


this love is scaring me

by antae



Series: AOT One Shots Collection [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Bottom Eren Yeager, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Pegging, Sad Eren Yeager, They cry, Top Mikasa Ackerman, so much angst jesus these tortured souls i’m so sorry, this is sad sex, urgh this is so sad why did i write this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-03
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-16 07:33:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29821536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/antae/pseuds/antae
Summary: Mikasa fucks like she’s desperate. For what? Eren doesn't really know, or understand. He never understood her love and adoration for him, but he can feel it, Gods, he can feel it.It’s both a blessing and a curse, to be loved so intensely, passionately, so completely.She fucks him the way she loves him. The way she protects him. Filled with desperation and adoration, with love, with the concern of not hurting him, but only providing him with the highest of comforts and happiness. It’s almost as if she feeds off his joy and contentment. It’s overwhelming, it takes over him and his body and soul and mind, he feels like he’s floating in the clouds somewhere up in the sky, his thoughts are muddled, and his body is pliant and soft and oh so fuckin weak. Usually, he would hate being like this. He hates being weak. He hates being vulnerable. But this is Mikasa.
Relationships: Armin Arlert/Eren Yeager, Mikasa Ackerman/Eren Yeager
Series: AOT One Shots Collection [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2189535
Comments: 8
Kudos: 53





	this love is scaring me

**Author's Note:**

> hi!! 
> 
> uhhh eren n mikasa arent rly /dating/ in this. idk their dynamic along w armin is very fascinating to me so i tried indulging it a little. hope u guys like it ??
> 
> also i don’t rly ship eremika. i used to be hardcore eremin but i now i just ship current eren w like . therapy. this is just what i thought they might have done on a lonely night lmao

Mikasa had found him alone, outside, staring up at the sky on one cold lonely night, right after his 19th birthday. His 19th. He only had a couple more years to live.

How fucking morbid. 

He is just nineteen, he is a boy. 

He should not be thinking about his death like it will reach him in a second. Nineteen is where his life should begin, nineteen is where he should fall in love and dream of a future, not think of what he should write on his will. But, with this sudden realization that his days are numbered, he feels a deathly calmness flood his senses. Soon, this will be over. Soon, he will get out of this hell. Is this selfish thinking? 

“Eren.”

His train of thought halts immediately. It’s almost like she answered his question. Of course it is selfish. How could he do this to Mikasa? To Armin? ( _ To Historia? To Jean? To Connie? To Sasha? To Commander Hange and Captain Levi? To everyone who’s been risking their lives again and again for his worthless self?) _

“Mikasa.”

She walks silently, her footsteps make no sound, her expression is as still as a statue, her face is porcelain, fair and pale in the moonlight. The scar he had given her shone brighter under her eyes, mocking his incompetence. She stands in front of him, and looks him in the eye. People say Mikasa is expressionless, emotionless, even. But her eyes carry the weight of a thousand emotions and they are always focused on him. 

He sucks in a breath. He does not deserve this. He does not deserve this gaze. 

“Happy birthday.” she murmurs. 

“Thanks.”

She breaks eye contact and proceeds to look up at the night sky. The midnight view is as dark and magnificent as her eyes. She stares at the inky blackness for a while, and he stares at her. 

“I’m sorry.” she finally says. 

Something inside Eren cracks. It’s almost a shock that there is still something steady inside him that has not cracked yet.

“For what,” he croaks,  _ for what? _

“I cannot do anything.” she mutters. “You are dying.”

She looks into his eyes again, and there are tears in hers. A thin layer of wetness. 

“I always had a feeling,” she starts. “that you were too good for this world.” She pauses, takes a deep breath, “your soul is too overwhelming for a human body, I think. That’s why your life has become so short.”

Eren wants to say,  _ What the fuck are you saying? This is just the Titan’s Curse.  _

Instead, swallowing past the dryness that has started to build up in his throat, he says, “Am I the only one? Your love is too overwhelming for a human body, Kasa.”

It’s true. She does not deny it.

They stay in a comfortable silence for a while. They have known each other for almost their whole lives. They have watched each other grow, cry,  _ die and come back,  _ suffer,  _ kill _ . But Eren feels that itch he gets sometimes. He wants more. He is selfish, he only has a few years to live, and he wants intimacy with the two people who could give it to him. 

Sleeping with Armin had come to him easy, just how all things come with the blond. Armin is a constant in his life, a reminder that dreamers exist in a world full of survivors, a reminder of the ocean and the sky. He is the smell of books kept under the Sun as you turn their pages to absorb more knowledge. He is the icy wetness of the first ocean wave hitting your toes as they come towards you, and then away, leaving you wet and breathless and yearning for more. That is how it had felt when he had clung to Armin some months ago, as the other had fucked into him, gently. 

Glancing at Mikasa, he wonders what she would be like. He wants to know them both in every way possible before this all ends. He is desperate for it. He wants to know them completely before he leaves this Earth. 

“Mikasa.” he whispers.

Her face turns towards him. He already knows she will say yes. She will do anything for him. But does she want this too?

  
  


—

  
  


She does. She wants to. 

She asks him to meet him in her room on Friday night, and Eren feels giddy with anticipation. He cherishes this feeling. They are rare. 

She opens the door just after the first knock. She is dressed in a white shirt, tucked into black pants. Her red scarf, dull from years of use, still provides a contrast with her black-and-white outfit. Eren himself is dressed in a thin cotton shirt, the strings at the top undone. He sometimes dreams of being choked with them. His fingers shake, and he clenches them into fists. He gives a shy smile to Mikasa, and she returns it with a brightening of her grey eyes. She steps to the left and gives him space to enter. 

He walks over to her bed and plops down, trying to make himself look more casual and chill than he actually feels. He realizes how much they've both changed. He would have never been this subdued and silent at fifteen. Mikasa would have never put herself in a situation where she would have to apologize to him. He would have never felt this tired, this worn out. They have grown up. 

They look into each other’s eyes for a while, their gazes softening at every passing second. Through this whole metamorphosis, their dynamic has not changed. 

She unbuttons her shirt as she walks towards him. Beneath her shirt lies a typical cotton bra which military women wear. Nothing lacy or sexy. Eren finds himself grinning at that. She knew what they were going to do and still hadn’t bothered wearing anything “appealing.” Ah well, she is the one who’s going to do the fucking anyway. 

She raises his chin with a cold touch. He looks into her eyes and smiles cheekily. She grins back. There is something tragic surrounding them, but both of them ignore it and take in each other. They seem to do a lot of staring these days. 

She removes his pants first. He lets her push him onto his back, spread his legs, and loom over him. She brushes a strand of hair from his face. His hair reaches his shoulders now, and she pulls and tugs at it for a while, a look of adoration building in her features. Goosebumps fill Eren’s skin. He cannot handle her intense gaze. He doesn’t know what to do with all the love she gives him with her eyes and actions. 

His eyes bulge when she takes the sex toy out of a box kept on the bedside. He lets out an amused, nervous laugh, “Where the fuck did you get that?” he cannot imagine stone faced Mikasa going around searching for a plastic dick. What the fuck is wrong with him anyway. Why had he asked Mikasa to do this? 

She rolls her eyes. “Ymir introduced the girls to a place ages ago. I didn’t go to the underground or anything, if you’re wandering. People have needs, Eren.” 

Eren doesn’t reply, instead he stares at the black toy. It is big, a little bigger than an average dick, and he finds the concept of Ymir taking the girls to someplace to get sex toys extremely fucking hilarious. His face splits in two with a smile at the thought. And of course people have needs. He had to listen to Jean and Marco’s fondling for a while, which cut short quickly, and then it had evolved in to Jean’s sobs. He had to listen to Reiner and Bertholt doing whatever the older boys were doing for a while until they had- Eren stops thinking about it. He had to listen to Armin’s gasps. He himself had never even considered it. 

Not until a few months ago, anyway, when he realized he wanted to do it with them at least once before he died. 

Mikasa’s voice snaps him out of his thoughts. 

“Eren. I want a clear answer.” Her voice is like silk, soft, but authoritative. He feels safe. “Do you really want to do this?” 

“Yeah.” he smiles. 

“Alright. I’ll take care of you.” He knows she will. She always does. Sometimes it’s overbearing and overwhelming but she always does. Eren adores her. 

She begins by kissing the inside of his thighs, softly, tenderly, nipping at his flesh. He sucks in a breath. He is not used to being handled with care. He does not handle himself with care. Nobody handles him with care. Except them. 

She kisses and bites and sucks until he’s pliant and soft and keening. His head is thrown back as he lets her suck bruises and love bites into his thighs. He feels his legs tremble, his knees in the air shaking with the intensity of her touches. Her hands roam around his body, his scarless body. His injuries heal and heal and heal. He can be broken down a thousand times and yet his body will heal a thousand times, leaving only phantom pain in his mind. Mikasa, however, touches his body as if it’s a battlefield of scars and bruises. She touches him like she’s looking at wounds, afraid to open them. She touches him like she’s afraid she’ll make him bleed all over her bed. He wants her to make him bleed. It’s the fact that she never will, because  _ she loves him _ that makes him want to cry.

He moans, shamelessly, when he feels her hands trace his dick, already half hard, beads of precum shining at the tip. She smiles, sad, and looks at him. They lock eyes, Eren breathless and heaving, flushed to his neck. She drinks in the sight of him, and Eren squirms under her gaze. Her hand cups his balls and she tugs, hard, and Eren whimpers. She holds his dick with her other hand, and his hips thrust up to her fuck her fist. She leans forward and sucks at his chest, leaving a scatter of angry red marks to accompany the light brown freckles. Eren feels like he’s dying, he’s whimpering and crying out her name and curse words, he wants her to hurt him, but also love him, he wants her to suck harder and harder until there’s nothing left in him, but also fuck him gently and soft until she’s given all her love to him. 

Her fingers trail downwards, almost teasingly, until they settle at his hole, and he feels his breath catch. He had showered and cleaned, but he still felt so open and vulnerable he almost wanted her to stop. Mikasa must have been watching his expression for any discomfort, because her fingers immediately still, and then begin to withdraw. “No!” he almost yells. “Keep going.” he urges. “Please.” 

She eyes him again, and he wills himself to calm down. Her fingers, sticky and moist with oil, reposition themselves, and then they’re inside him. Eren lets out an embarrassing high pitched whine, his fingers twisting the sheets. He already knows this feeling, Armin had shown him very intimately, but it still feels so overwhelming. His chest aches with pain, his lower region and mind ache with pleasure. 

She scissors him open with surprisingly good experience. Has she done this before? He asks her. She confirms his suspicions. Annie, lots of times. Sasha, twice. He nods. He tells her about Armin. She smiles and says she knew. It should have been awkward to talk about this when her fingers are fucking his ass, but it just distracts him from the pain of the stretch until it is fully gone, replacing it with only pleasure and heavy arousal. 

God, he wants her. 

“I want you.”

She nods, taking her fingers out, smiling a little at the whine he lets out. He’s always been impatient and hot-headed. Of course he would be like this in bed as well. He whines again. “Hurry up.” He doesn’t like this sudden feeling of emptiness and loneliness that overcame him. He wants her hands on him again before he explodes into a thousand little pieces. 

The toy is strapped tight at her hips. She had removed her pants, but her underwear was peaking through the straps. She looks a little ridiculous, but Eren is too turned on and high on arousal and neediness to poke fun of her. Perhaps later. He spreads his legs wider and smirks at her. “I like it rough.”

She laughs, and he loves it. She once again settles between his thighs. She cups his face gently, and feels his lips with her thumb. He opens his mouth almost unconsciously, letting her fingers in. Heat courses through his body at alarming speed as he begins to suck hard, and finally, tears are beginning to form. He feels the lump in his throat and the sting in his nose and scowls around her fingers. Mikasa huffs out a laugh. “You look like an angry kicked puppy.”

Eren just glares at her as best as he could, swallowing down the pleas. He settles with shaking his hips in an impatient manner. She keeps her fingers in his mouth, gently fucking his lips with them, getting them coated with saliva. “I don’t want to hurt you. Promise me you’ll tell me if it hurts.” It’s almost like she read him like an open book. He wants to cry and scream that he wants it to hurt, but he knows she will refuse. She refuses to become another being who hurts him, whether he likes it or not. Perhaps this is why he wants it so bad. 

He feels the tip of the plastic rest against his stretched hole, and stops breathing. The fingers in his mouth rest heavy on his tongue. Her other hand is rubbing comforting circles at his hip, gentle yet unwavering. Finally, she pushes in, and Eren parts his lips in a lewd manner, letting go of her fingers to cry out. She remains as caring as ever, her comforting touches leaving a painting of red marks over his skin. Like his body is a minefield and she is detonating each and every mine and leaving painful crimson marks as souvenirs. He hates that they will fade away soon. He wants to be marked permanently, but he can’t even have that. He will never be free. 

She waits a minute to let him adjust, and then bends down to rest her forehead against his shoulder. Both of them are breathing heavily, the air around them is warm and slightly suffocating. She feels his nod, her hair tickles his chin. She raises her hips to drag the toy out of him, until just the tip is in, and then rams it straight inside. Eren lets out a yelp, his hands flying up to cling on to her. She builds up a rhythm in her thrusts easily, her experience was showing. She seems to have done this plenty of times. 

“I have,” she begins, gasping, “never been this gentle during sex.”

Eren couldn’t speak, so he just whines and gasps into the dip in her shoulder as she continues to fuck him. She is both gentle and rough. She is both soft touches and forceful thrusts. She fucks the way she fights to protect him. Gentle to him and rough to everything else. She is pressing hurried kisses on his cheeks and neck and yet her hips are slapping the inside of his thighs hard enough to leave bruises. 

Mikasa fucks like she’s desperate. For what? Eren doesn't really know, or understand. He never understood her love and adoration for him, but he can feel it,  _ Gods _ , he can feel it. 

It’s both a blessing and a curse, to be loved so intensely, passionately, so  _ completely.  _

She fucks him the way she loves him. The way she protects him. Filled with desperation and adoration, with love, with the concern of not hurting him, but only providing him with the highest of comforts and happiness. It’s almost as if she feeds off his joy and contentment. It’s overwhelming, it takes over him and his body and soul and mind, he feels like he’s floating in the clouds somewhere up in the sky, his thoughts are muddled, and his body is pliant and soft and oh so fuckin weak. Usually, he would hate being like this. He hates being weak. He hates being vulnerable. But this is Mikasa. 

Finally, Eren looks up from where he had buried his head in, and throws his head back as a particular hard thrust nails his prostate, letting out a gasp which develops into a full-blown moan as she angles her thrusts to meet the same spot repeatedly. God, she is so good at this. Armin had been a fumbling mess (it had been his first time topping, he had told Eren that he had bottomed for Jean once and that was his only sexual experience ever) Armin had been perfect in his own way, and Mikasa was perfect too. Eren loves them both so much. 

Soon, Eren feels the agony of his situation crawl up through his chest, haunting like a plague, insidious. Mikasa feels it too, and she glances at him. There is sweat building up on her forehead, and her mouth is open as small gasps come out occasionally. Her face is an array of emotions, love and lust, grief and pain, adoration and helplessness. His face must be looking even worse, for her face crumples at the sight. 

Agony ripples through his chest, ruthless, as tears flow in rivulets down his cheeks. Sobs escape his throat painfully, his chest heaving, his breaths stuttering. He has always been a loud, angry crier, an ugly one. Mikasa’s shaking shoulders are the only indication that she is crying. Her tears are silent, her mouth is tight, her lips bitten, and salty water slides gracefully down her cheeks. Eren’s sobs and the slaps of their lower regions, accompanied by the creaking of the bed are the only sounds to fill the room. 

It is a misery, a sweet torture. They are tormented. They cannot give each other what they want. Eren cannot love Mikasa until her dying breath. Mikasa cannot save Eren from his fate. In the end, they are failures. They failed each other. It is depressing, but it is the truth. Reality sinks in like poison into their bloodstream, Eren’s sobs grow louder and more painful, like he is trying to hack up his fast beating heart and offer it to her as proof that he is alive right now. Mikasa’s tears continue, her hips moving almost robotically, as if she is doing her best to keep him in their realm forever. 

This is temporary, but for now, they allow themselves to be disillusioned to feel like it is forever. 

Tomorrow, they will wake up and continue to fight. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> i don’t think i’ll write eremika more cos it’s depressing. i hope i conveyed what i wanted to convey in this. their love doesn’t hav to be interpreted as romantic, it is just intense, given their dynamic and past. i was initially planning on making eren fuck mikasa but i couldn’t write it well so D: 
> 
> also i’m writing a fun eremin one shot rn where they’re happy and having nice healthy sex so bear w me on this depressing piece i am just Sad sometimes ;(
> 
> edit: i hope u guys understood the way i tried to portray sex in this. mikasa has some experience, armin did it once, it’s just smthn that just happened to them, it doesn’t mean more to them. just some temporary pleasure. for eren, he has never cared abt it at all, and he still doesn’t, he just wants to do this w them too before he dies. i also hope u guys notice when mikasa said she always felt like eren will die i was thinking of that OVA of her where she thinks abt it.
> 
> comments and kudos are very appreciated pls tell me what u think!! i love reading them >__<
> 
> EDIT: chapter 138 spoilers!!!!!!!!!! aaaaaa icb i posted this a few days before 138 happened omfgokfgjdnd my poor loves i hate it here eren makes me soooo sad ;((((((((


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